Bully Proof

By Robert S. Jefferson and Marisol Rudder

What Can Parents of the Victims Do?

Parents of students who are bullied, or who bully others, are sometimes unaware of the problem, and therefore may talk with their children about it only to a limited extent. Parents who know or suspect their child is bullied should contact the child’s teacher or school as soon as possible, in order to achieve cooperation in solving the problem. It is often appropriate for school officials to arrange a mediation in which both victims and bullies, and their parents, participate. The aim of a meeting is to:

• Discuss the situation.
• Arrive at a plan for solving the problem.
• Follow up with other sessions, during which evaluations can be made.
• Make sure that the actions agreed upon are actually being carried out.

Because a bullied child is sometimes insecure, with low self-confidence and few or no friends, it is important for parents to help the child become “better adjusted” independently of any current bullying situation. One way to increase the self-confidence of a victimized child is to encourage him/her to develop potential talents, which may help the student assert him/herself among peers.

Among boys, the typical victim is often physically weaker than his fellow students, and may suffer from “body anxiety.” It is therefore desirable that the victimized students undertake some kind of physical training, or suitable sports. Even if the opportunities for them to assert themselves in sports are limited, the physical exercise can result in improved coordination and less body anxiety, which will increase their self-confidence. By taking part in activities in which he/she is talented, the bullied student will probably initiate contact with peers whom he or she has not previously met. The experience may become meaningful if the child makes at least one new friend. To improve the child’s situation at school, parents can:

• Encourage the child to make contact with some calm and friendly student.
• Suggest he or she pick friends with similar interests or a similar personality disposition.
• Offer support and encouragement. Children, due to earlier failures, may give up in the face of adversity.

When parents discover their son or daughter is being bullied or excluded from the peer group, they naturally increase their efforts to protect the child. While their actions are intended to benefit the child, they may have negative consequences in the long run. An “overprotective” parent can increase the child’s isolation from his/her peers and create attachment to the adult world, which inhibits the process of establishing contacts with peers. Parents should try to follow discreetly what happens and, to a certain extent, “engineer” conditions for positive developments.

As discussed earlier, the victim’s own behavior can sometimes contribute to bullying. In these cases, parents (and teachers) should carefully but firmly help the child find reaction patterns that will irritate his/her environment to a lesser degree. It may help a great deal if the victim can improve his/her “social skills” and acquire a better understanding of the “informal social rules” of the peer group.

What Can Parents of Bullies Do?

Parents have the primary responsibility of assisting their children in learning positive, non-hostile attitudes and behaviors. Therefore, they need to establish rules specifically concerning bullying behavior. Through family meetings, children will become involved in the discussion of these rules, which will promote greater responsibility in conforming to them. Rules suggested are:

1. We shall not bully other people.
2. We shall try to help others who are being bullied.
3. We shall make it a point to include others who are easily left out.
4. Bullying behavior will not be TOLERATED, and we will see to it that it comes to an END.

After introducing the rules, parents should define what constitutes bullying behavior. Bullying occurs when a target is repeatedly exposed to negative actions by one or more individuals. Parents should provide an explanation about the different types of bullying behavior.

Direct bullying consists of open attacks on a victim, such as negative words, physical fights, and gestures. Indirect bullying includes social isolation and exclusion from a group. Bullying incidents can involve two or more roles. The bullying circle can contain any of the following:

1. Bully or bullies
2. Follower/henchmen
3. Passive bullies
4. Passive supporter
5. Disengaged onlooker
6. Possible defender
7. Defender of the victim
8. The victim

A parent should provide praise and attention to reinforce their child’s positive behavior(s). It may be easier for the child to accept criticism regarding undesirable behavior, if they feel appreciated by their parents. Positive behaviors include:

• Making efforts to change bullying attitudes and/or behavior
• Following the rules established in the home
• Participating and/or including others in positive activities

Parents should monitor their children by finding out who their friends are, and what activities interest them. By spending more time with the child, parents can gain an understanding of their child’s personality and reactions. We should try to assist and encourage our children to find less aggressive, more appropriate behavior reactions. Once the rules have been established, parents need to develop age-appropriate sanctions for the child’s negative, undesirable behavior(s). They should cause some discomfort without being hostile. Parents should remember to differentiate between the behavior and the individual. When addressing the child, a parent should clearly state the behavior that is unacceptable. Some possible sanctions include:

• Serious talks with the child
• Take away personal items of enjoyment
• Discontinue their privileges
• Reflection letter regarding their bullying behavior

This article was prepared by Robert S. Jefferson and Marisol Rudder, respectively, Bullying Prevention Advocates. Source Used: Bullying at School by Dr. Dan Olweus. For more information, contact Mr. Stubbs, Bullying Prevention Coordinator, at Berks Advocates Against Violence (BAAV). 610-736-3693.

This article originally appeared in Parents' Source, March 20, 2003.
Re-printed by permission.