Teaching Compassion: Help Your Kids Become Caring Contributing Adults

by Sonja Meyer

“Be Nice”

Parents send their youngsters off with those two words so casually they may barely think about what they mean. In fact, the words can be relegated to nothing more than a lightweight, feel-good idea about getting along with relative calm and creating no waves.

However, given the importance they deserve, the words can inspire children to a lifetime of caring enough to not only coexist with others, but to actively help the less fortunate and improve their community. Of course there are no guarantees about what grown children will do given any particular parenting approach. But, if you make the effort, you can evoke compassion in your children and increase the likelihood they will be kind and contributing adults.

The times certainly help open the subject for families. Headlines draw stark attention to the awful reality of lives without compassion: Columbine, Sept. 11, and sniper shootings in the nation's capital.

Short of physical violence are the cruel names, the bullying and the one-upmanship some youth face. “We’ve gone from being a compassionate society to being a competitive society,” says psychotherapist Jennifer Cornish Genovese, who hosts parenting programs on a Central New York radio station. “Competition often works against compassion.”

Although you cannot “teach” compassion like a step-by-step math lesson, you can instill it in your children by making changes in your lifelong daily routine and by regularly stepping outside your ordinary schedule to make a difference for someone else.

Daily Routine: Modeling Behavior

When it comes to modeling compassion for your children, start with your overall parenting style. “When you have a relationship that’s loving and secure with an adult, then you are probably going to be able to give to others in life the way you were given unto,” says Alice Sterling Honig, Professor Emerita of Child Development at Syracuse University.

As infants become toddlers, it’s also important they observe parents modeling the kind of behavior they are to emulate. “Kids see our every move,” Genovese says. “Are we modeling in the grocery store by pushing ahead in line, or are we letting the older person go ahead?” Just like a 1-year-old will copy her parents by tapping away on a computer keyboard, children will copy social behaviors from their caregivers.

Analyze your own parenting style. It likely fits within one of three categories.

Permissive parents, for example, let the child do just about anything. They don’t enforce rules and usually go along with whatever the child wants. They don’t set high expectations for the child’s behavior.

At the other end of the spectrum is the Authoritarian model. Such parents won’t let the child get away with anything. They are quick to crack down and often yell orders. Punishment is used to get immediate obedience.

Then there are Authoritative parents, who are not too permissive and not too authoritarian. “You are for your kid 100 percent,” says Honig, who has written several child development books. “You have clear rules, reasons for the rules, a genuine interest in your child’s needs and high expectations.”

Honig says the authoritative approach is the best for raising a compassionate child. “If you are very permissive, you get a spoiled brat. If you are authoritarian, you get a real sneak. He may be an altar boy and always says ‘Yes, sir,’ but he knows how to beat up kids and cheat on tests and hide it,” Honig says.

If you are authoritative, you are kind but firm. You help children find alternative ways to deal with situations, encouraging their input. When they act inappropriately, you teach prosocial behaviors. Your goal is for children to do the right thing because of internal desire to do so, not because they fear punishment.

Older Kids: Talk, Talk, Talk

As children get older, talking becomes even more important. They need to talk about their feelings, your feelings, and what other people may need or feel. They need to know it’s not OK to make fun of others who are different; moreover, they need to imagine what others may experience.

Parents should talk about how kids who are different from them may feel. They can discuss kids who are overweight, boys who are thin and slight, children who are of a different race or social clique or any other “difference” kids see.

Parents should also encourage their children to talk about what they themselves may experience at school or in the community. Are they having problems with bullies? Help your child resolve these conflicts peacefully.

Outside the Routine: Volunteer

Besides making changes in your day-to-day life, you can build on this ground-work by regularly involving your children - and yourself - in volunteerism.

Parents of school-age children may find an ally in their child’s teacher and school administrators. Many schools offer “character education” with lessons on values like respect and caring. Many schools offer opportunities for students to get involved in service projects like Habitat for Humanity, school ground cleanup days, clothing drives, and toy distributions.

You can also look for family volunteer projects through your own place of worship or local United Way. Make volunteering a family activity and your kids will realize it’s important to you.

You should take the time to instill compassion in your children because there’s a good chance they will then grow into caring and contributing members of society.

Sonja Meyer is the mother of 3 children and has worked 13 years as a journalist. Her family articles have been published on many web sites and at several parenting publications across the country.

This article originally appeared in Parents' Source, November 20, 2003.
Re-printed by permission.