Teaching Your Kids to be Peacefully Assertive

By Detective Larry Mathias

I was born in the late 1940's. Throughout my childhood, and well into my adult life, the way a person dealt with conflict was by punching someone. My father’s instruction was, “You hit them first” the John Wayne approach. In addition to his guidance, I was exposed to the media, and fellow students who exhibited the “tuff guy” persona, which was cool, macho, and what the girls liked. In spite of this exposure, I didn’t become a “tuff guy.” I had trouble with the idea of hitting someone first, so naturally, if any hitting took place, I took the brunt of the exchange.

In my 25-year career as a Law Enforcement Officer, I have seen the most atrocious outcomes caused by violence. I learned early on that when conflict is not properly managed, it often leads to violence. Violence can be defined as the full range of human struggles when communication between parties results in emotional turmoil, distress or harm, bullying, domestic violence, sexual victimization, and drug/alcohol-related fighting or homicide.

Through my interactions with schools, the courts, Parent/Children Services, Mental Health Services, and other concerned citizens, I learned that children respond to conflict through behaviors they have been taught.

If a person who is involved in a potentially violent conflict only knows a few ways to manage the situation, he is destined to cause greater harm. In order to address this issue, our concerned group of community leaders developed an initiative designed to educate our children on the various options available to manage their conflicts. Our goal is to teach our children to create a plan to deal with conflict, and know what process should be followed to manage the situation.

A healthy process to follow when dealing with conflict is to remain calm, and understand completely that which is being communicated. Many conflicts begin when communications between parties become misunderstood or disregarded. In these instances, conflict clarification is essential for a resolution to occur.

In some situations, conflicts are deliberately started in order to create fear, intimidation, or power over another. The provocateur may be a bully, or someone who is trying to prove something to his peers. The victim needs to evaluate the situation, and determine the cause of the conflict. If the conflict is caused by communication failure, communications between the parties must be properly managed. If the conflict is created to promote fear, a different approach is required.

In a bullying or “power-taker” situation, it is important that the victim display a level of confidence and control. Many bullies select easy prey as their targets.

Some positive techniques to defuse this type of victimization are:

• Avoid the situation and leave the area.
• Attempt to discuss the situation, and determine the true issue.
• Use reflective listening skills, and tell the person the effects of his words and actions.
• Summon the assistance of an adult or the police.

Naturally, the victim can use other, more negative options to handle the situation, however, such actions usually result in someone being harmed.

It is important to include an explanation of the various options a person has during a conflict. The individual himself generates the best options lists, because he is more likely to remember and use his own created list.

Law enforcement requires counseling juvenile wrongdoers and explaining positive techniques that can be used during conflicts. Many times the offender expresses that he became violent because he was “dissed” (disrespected), and therefore, the fight was justified. In such situations, the offender is encouraged to brainstorm other options that could have been considered over fighting. Once a list of options is developed, the importance of selecting the proper option is discussed, along with the consequences that follow when a poor or harmful option is chosen. Equally important in this educational exchange is the recommendation that effective verbal communications skills are used to de-escalate violent conflicts.

One organization that models this approach is the Lancaster County Youth Peace Council, consisting of middle, junior high, and high school students from throughout Lancaster County. These students, who are elected by their peers, meet monthly to determine ways they can take an active role in our community’s safe schools initiative. Adult advisors support the students’ ideas, and serve as liaisons, providing transportation and proper communication. The Youth Peace Council allows our children to have an active voice in safe school issues, and promotes the idea of proper conflict management. Students are taught that conflict is part of everyday life, and acquiring good skills to manage conflict is essential. Students are allowed to create their own options list to draw from when they find themselves in conflict. They learn that selecting a poor or harmful option often results in negative consequences.

There is much more involved in preparing our children to deal with conflict, than simply selecting the proper option. As parents, mentors, and advisors, we need to teach our children by example, and by modeling ways to deal with conflict in a peacefully assertive manner. We need to practice settling conflict through reasoning and good communication skills, and we need to take the time to engage our children in role-play scenarios that help them through stressful and violent conflicts. The role-play provides an opportunity for our children to practice favorable techniques that lead to peaceful resolutions. Safe communities do not come for free. The time to prepare our children for conflicts that may harm them is before they are caught in one. We need to empower our children to properly and safely manage their conflicts. How is your options list looking?

Larry Mathias designs and programs motivational presentations on topics related to youth leadership and youth partnership. For more information, call: 717-285-4078.

This article originally appeared in Parents' Source, September 20, 2003.
Re-printed by permission.